Derailed Thoughts

Thoughts That Escaped My Head As I Sat On My Bed Thinking About How Little I Like Trix Now That They’re Not Shaped Like Fruit

August 31st, 2008 - 4 Comments

I’m one to randomly blurt out my thoughts and feelings; for some reason, I feel dishonest when I keep them inside. I suppose it’s because I have a lifelong interest in trying to make the self that others meet (my outside) match the self that only I have ever met–the one I converse with inside. Today, like most days, I’ve got 300 thoughts or so clamoring about inside my head. I’ve spent a good part of my Sunday worrying about the coming semester’s credit load, about a brand new major, about the course of relationships, about the Lord’s plan for me and whether I’m on the right path, and about every other unknown that the future holds.

Above all of this, though, is one thought that I’ve always been hesitant to share. Society seems to shy away from any male that would even ponder upon these words, let alone seriously consider them. At the risk of exposing my darkest secret and forever losing my credibility in the consideration of men, here is that thought.

I really want to find the girl I marry. Quite a bit. Yep.

For some reason we are all afraid to say that these days. I’m not sure where the taboo came from that tells us that that thought isn’t meant to be let out. As a matter of fact, I haven’t the least idea. I just wrote a good ten line long paragraph that would be right here, but I ended up deleting the whole thing and just inserting this place holder [explanation does not exist].

The deepest human need is to love and be loved. What thing in life could be better than finding someone that you never tire of being around? Someone who changes something inside of you, allowing you to finally become your best self? Someone who, by some miraculous oversight, thinks life is better just because you exist? In all honesty, I have to admit that the day I first set eyes on that girl is going to be the luckiest day that I live. I suppose that I might only be able to recognize that day in hindsight; in that case, I look forward to being able to look back on that day more than anything.

That being said, if you happen to run into my wife running around, refer her to University Villa #111. Thanks.

What the **** Is This Blog About?

August 21st, 2008 - 1 Comment

An excellent question (and aptly phrased, my good imaginary man). Here, several weeks into blogging, is the introduction to my page. Some may create blogs because of a need to share their opinions and to convince others of their profundity. Others hope to keep friends (those scoring four of ten on the friend scale–ones that still care what’s going on, but who don’t call unless it’s your birthday or you owe them $5. Like this guy to the left–remember him from Woodshop?) informed about the happenings of their lives.

As for me, I have a bad habit. Certain thoughts of mine have a tendency to bubble around inside my head, mumbling to themselves about some issue or other in my life. Whenever I try to persuade these thoughts to take their place in line with all the other thoughts, they rant a little louder and sometimes kick or toss more important thoughts straight out of line.

These are the thoughts that I label derailed. I’ve found that the best way to get these thoughtsto calm down and take a nap is to express them in writing. Sharing one’s thoughts with others has an interesting effect on the human mind–ideas no longer feel isolated and confused, but interwoven and understood.

Some of my posts are opinions, some of them stories; some are joking, others very serious. Particularly good or bad days have sometimes spun themselves into reflections on life that I end up posting. Be what they may, here lie my thoughts.

The Pursuit of Happiness

August 16th, 2008 - 3 Comments

So often, we think we know what we want in life. We exert so much of our minds in thinking about presently unattainable things that we believe would make us happy (the career that is just out of our reach, the car that is barely too expensive, the cute girl that won’t give us the time of day). James Oppenheim (I don’t know who he is either) once said something very true: “The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance. The wise man grows it under his feet.”

Further, I find it baffling how we cling to those things in our lives that bring us happiness, but dread the thought of change–even for the better (clinging to a half-decent relationship, fearing to quit a stable but monotonous job). It is interesting that in combining these two habits, we eliminate any chance of enjoying our real happiness in the present. We find our eyes lustfully gazing at illusory perfection, our fears pinning us to a mediocre present (as illustrated here by Mr. B. Willard Bishop).

There is a lesson in life that I know, but somehow have yet to be entirely schooled in. It is this: Lasting happiness lies in truly loving the moment we live while still fearlessly following opportunities to improve it.

We will search all of our lives trying to find the balance between patient contentment and a ferocious drive for the better. I strongly believe, though, that God’s hand will guide us into those things that are best for us–our duty lies only in enjoying the present and embracing the good when it comes to us. I am amazed how a foolish little me has found happiness in life by just trusting that good choices in the present will eventually make the future bright.

Let life come as it may. We can enjoy the moments that the sun is shining, and we can trust that when it rains, it gives opportunity for the future to be greener.

The Toughest Game Known to Man

August 9th, 2008 - 3 Comments

Today is a day where a few of my thoughts have been boiling around in my head far too long. This post will be an opportunity to let them out for a bit, but I hope it might also be something insightful and worth reading.

Over the years, I’ve thought a lot about the so called “game of love.” The rules are strange, the strategies sometimes petty. We hear from all those around us that we can’t invest ourselves too early–we have to feel things out, carefully finding out how much the other is willing to wager. If we are highly interested in someone, we are told that it is crucial to mask our feelings and pretend that we are still nonchalantly testing the waters. In every action, specific timing is required. In every word, careful measurement is necessary. We might even spend time drafting in our minds a phrase or two that might be fitting, but that won’t give away too much of our position on our little battlefield. Sometimes it is even declared necessary to play the game as a double agent, pretending to have interest in someone new in hopes that our real subject of interest will be drawn out of hiding.

When I think about the nuances of our little game, I can’t help but wonder what differences there would be in a world where we were all honest about our feelings. It is true that to be open and vulnerable in a relationship leaves us great potential for heartache. I would argue that it is an unselfish and courageous action, though, to trust another with that vulnerability. No human need is deeper than the desire to be cared for. When feelings are expressed in an honest way, it must be seen as an unselfish offering of self.

There are many times in life where we are much more sure of our level of interest than we act. While we all know very well that time is the only test that can prove a relationship’s strength, a few deep conversations and a measure of spiritual sensitivity usually show us very clearly the level of potential that a relationship has. When we find ourselves unsure about a relationship, it is right that we move forward conservatively and are careful with the feelings of the others we date. As we become more and more sure of our feelings, though, it is a timid course of action to hide them.

I write these many scattered thoughts only to lead to one conclusion—there is no shame in rejection, and we should not fear to make ourselves vulnerable. Rather, placing ones heart on the line is an unselfish act that has no potential victim but ourselves, no greater beneficiary than the one we care for. I choose to not regret the times that I have found myself vulnerable, nor the times when I have found my offer left behind. Rather than treating love as a game of poker, slowly raising the bet and carefully measuring the other’s level of engagement, I choose to treat it as what it is–the most important decision and activity in life; one that requires definite disclosures, not sly secrets.

I hope to find a girl who feels as happy to be with me as I do with her, who is honest in her conversations with me, and who I feel secure in sharing anything with. If this is my wish, then I surely need to expect to have to work a bit. The game is a tough one–it’s one that by design can only be fully won a single time. We’ll all need to put our hearts on the line once in awhile.

But if that is what it takes, that’s what I’ll do.